Part Two (What I was really trying to say was...)

...About me being selfish. Well in the post before my last, I was getting at something but I got a lil' carried away. I'm gonna try not to do that this time. So what I was trying to say was there's this "thing" and I battle with myself daily about it. There's talk around my house about another baby *gasp*. Not a big deal you say? Well the problem is, I just got my little one enrolled in Pre-K, he'll be starting in the fall and I thought that maybe, just maybe I COULD GET MY FREAKIN' LIFE BACK! I would be able to run my errands by myself, go the the bathroom...by myself and most of all, enjoy some quite alone time where somebody isn't asking me for something. I gotta backtrack and fill you in on why this is such an internal battle for me. You know it's kinda sad to see your kid all alone with no one to play with at home, it's actually quite pitiful really. I'm almost embarrassed of the fact that my son has quite a few friends...but mommy and daddy just can't see them. I hope it's not too unhealthy cause I just let him talk to them and sometimes when I'm tired I might even tell him that I heard one of his "friends" call for him. Aww quit your judging...I know it sounds terrible but sometimes I get tired of being the only one that he has to play with all day. Anyway, before I get off track, my hubby and I took all of this into consideration as well as the fact the neither of us had to grow up alone and as adults, our siblings have really come in handy, so to speak. We also realized that it is more unfair to him than it is an inconvenience to us.(See, I can be a good mommy sometimes) The reason why I struggle so much is because I do want to add to my family but the little bit of "old me" that I briefly brought back to life is soon to die again. I can see her drowning in diapers, breast pumps, butt ointment, sibling rivalry, weight gain, morning sickness and this death looking more tragic than the first. I've shared this with a few people but most of them make me feel like a fat, family hating monster for even thinking about it that way when I believe I'm just being real with myself. I'm not so bad, right? Right?!

Apparently my kid is part puppy

You would think we were living in a day and time where everyone recognizes that there are some things that you just shouldn't say to people, I guess I 'm the lucky one who runs into all of the people who didn't get the memo. I'm out and about with my son and we decide to go get some lunch, of course it's at a place that has a play yard because...well how else am I going to to get him to eat? We're done eating, he's done playing, at least that's what I'm trying to convince him of as he starts to do this silent jumping/flailing type of conniption thingy (by the way, this was one of those moments where I needed to be performing some sort of disciplinary action but I had to try and keep my composure because I was about to DIE laughing.) My precious 3 year old's behavior resembled that of a raging lunatic but he was doing it all in absolute silence! It looked like he got stung by bees and he lost his voice at the same time. I could barely keep a straight face but that all came to an abrupt end as the most dimwitted passerby decided to pay us a compliment. She says: "How old is he?" I answer "He's three" and here comes the part of the conversation that I was totally unprepared for... "Oh, he's sooo cute. Is he a mix-breed?" It took me a minute to be able to speak, partly because my friggin jaw was on the floor. I finally found the strength to close my mouth and assuming that she wasn't asking me if the father of my child was indeed human, I said "do you mean biracial?" and she says "No, is he mixed?" I couldn't figure out weather to laugh, be angry or feel sorry for this poor lady because either this was a joke or she was really that dumb, I was starting to believe the latter and for that, I was slightly sympathetic. So after not knowing whether at that point there was a response that I could give her that she would even understand I simply grab my sons hand and tell him to tell the lady goodbye, he says " Okay, bye-bye" and before walking away I look her straight in the eyes with a pleasant smile and tell her "Dogs can't talk." I could do nothing else but hope she understood.

If loving me is wrong, I dont wanna be right!

So as a mother and a wife it's generally frowned upon to be selfish but I had a thought recently (hmm...as if I don't have those very often) Aren't children and husbands the epitome of selfish?! Yet I haven't seen anyone look an infant in the eye and say "shame on you, this isn't all about you, you know!" No one has ever told my husband "You asked her to cook you what?! Oh, you owe her an apology sir". My three year old tells me he loves me...2.5 seconds before he says "I love fruit snacks too... can I have some?" My husband thanks me for dinner but only washes the dishes afterwards when he wants...umm...some "fruit snacks" too. They want what they want, when they want it, they do what they have to just get it and because it's wrong to be selfish, there's nothing to be done but to accommodate them. Why is it so hard to put yourself first with out feeling like Faye Dunaway in Mommy Dearest?! Sometimes I feel like I need permission to take care of what I feel is important to me without considering anyone else. Back in school you would hear stuff like "just worry about yourself" or "if you don't take care of you, then who else is going to?" I'll tell you who, YOUR WIFE! Maybe I need to get myself one... But seriously though, everyone says that ya gotta take care of yourself but then it's like you have to submit a form and wait for approval before you can say "I don't feel like going to Seaworld today or any other day for that matter... I don't like cotton candy, I cant swim, I hate the sun and dolphins!" I know I know, I'm taking it too far... nobody hates dolphins. I need to pause and make sure I'm not steering you in the wrong direction here, like I've said in previous posts, I love being a mother and a wife, but at some point I just need to go on and call an ugly baby ugly. Wait, I guess that's not a good saying for a mother to use. What I'm trying to say is there are times when I don't feel like being nice, I just want to be honest and I need to be able to do it with out people hating me afterwards. There was something I was getting at initially but since I started to rant and stray away from my original point, there's just gonna have to be a "part two" later.
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