Part Two (What I was really trying to say was...)

...About me being selfish. Well in the post before my last, I was getting at something but I got a lil' carried away. I'm gonna try not to do that this time. So what I was trying to say was there's this "thing" and I battle with myself daily about it. There's talk around my house about another baby *gasp*. Not a big deal you say? Well the problem is, I just got my little one enrolled in Pre-K, he'll be starting in the fall and I thought that maybe, just maybe I COULD GET MY FREAKIN' LIFE BACK! I would be able to run my errands by myself, go the the bathroom...by myself and most of all, enjoy some quite alone time where somebody isn't asking me for something. I gotta backtrack and fill you in on why this is such an internal battle for me. You know it's kinda sad to see your kid all alone with no one to play with at home, it's actually quite pitiful really. I'm almost embarrassed of the fact that my son has quite a few friends...but mommy and daddy just can't see them. I hope it's not too unhealthy cause I just let him talk to them and sometimes when I'm tired I might even tell him that I heard one of his "friends" call for him. Aww quit your judging...I know it sounds terrible but sometimes I get tired of being the only one that he has to play with all day. Anyway, before I get off track, my hubby and I took all of this into consideration as well as the fact the neither of us had to grow up alone and as adults, our siblings have really come in handy, so to speak. We also realized that it is more unfair to him than it is an inconvenience to us.(See, I can be a good mommy sometimes) The reason why I struggle so much is because I do want to add to my family but the little bit of "old me" that I briefly brought back to life is soon to die again. I can see her drowning in diapers, breast pumps, butt ointment, sibling rivalry, weight gain, morning sickness and this death looking more tragic than the first. I've shared this with a few people but most of them make me feel like a fat, family hating monster for even thinking about it that way when I believe I'm just being real with myself. I'm not so bad, right? Right?!

Apparently my kid is part puppy

You would think we were living in a day and time where everyone recognizes that there are some things that you just shouldn't say to people, I guess I 'm the lucky one who runs into all of the people who didn't get the memo. I'm out and about with my son and we decide to go get some lunch, of course it's at a place that has a play yard because...well how else am I going to to get him to eat? We're done eating, he's done playing, at least that's what I'm trying to convince him of as he starts to do this silent jumping/flailing type of conniption thingy (by the way, this was one of those moments where I needed to be performing some sort of disciplinary action but I had to try and keep my composure because I was about to DIE laughing.) My precious 3 year old's behavior resembled that of a raging lunatic but he was doing it all in absolute silence! It looked like he got stung by bees and he lost his voice at the same time. I could barely keep a straight face but that all came to an abrupt end as the most dimwitted passerby decided to pay us a compliment. She says: "How old is he?" I answer "He's three" and here comes the part of the conversation that I was totally unprepared for... "Oh, he's sooo cute. Is he a mix-breed?" It took me a minute to be able to speak, partly because my friggin jaw was on the floor. I finally found the strength to close my mouth and assuming that she wasn't asking me if the father of my child was indeed human, I said "do you mean biracial?" and she says "No, is he mixed?" I couldn't figure out weather to laugh, be angry or feel sorry for this poor lady because either this was a joke or she was really that dumb, I was starting to believe the latter and for that, I was slightly sympathetic. So after not knowing whether at that point there was a response that I could give her that she would even understand I simply grab my sons hand and tell him to tell the lady goodbye, he says " Okay, bye-bye" and before walking away I look her straight in the eyes with a pleasant smile and tell her "Dogs can't talk." I could do nothing else but hope she understood.

If loving me is wrong, I dont wanna be right!

So as a mother and a wife it's generally frowned upon to be selfish but I had a thought recently (hmm...as if I don't have those very often) Aren't children and husbands the epitome of selfish?! Yet I haven't seen anyone look an infant in the eye and say "shame on you, this isn't all about you, you know!" No one has ever told my husband "You asked her to cook you what?! Oh, you owe her an apology sir". My three year old tells me he loves me...2.5 seconds before he says "I love fruit snacks too... can I have some?" My husband thanks me for dinner but only washes the dishes afterwards when he wants...umm...some "fruit snacks" too. They want what they want, when they want it, they do what they have to just get it and because it's wrong to be selfish, there's nothing to be done but to accommodate them. Why is it so hard to put yourself first with out feeling like Faye Dunaway in Mommy Dearest?! Sometimes I feel like I need permission to take care of what I feel is important to me without considering anyone else. Back in school you would hear stuff like "just worry about yourself" or "if you don't take care of you, then who else is going to?" I'll tell you who, YOUR WIFE! Maybe I need to get myself one... But seriously though, everyone says that ya gotta take care of yourself but then it's like you have to submit a form and wait for approval before you can say "I don't feel like going to Seaworld today or any other day for that matter... I don't like cotton candy, I cant swim, I hate the sun and dolphins!" I know I know, I'm taking it too far... nobody hates dolphins. I need to pause and make sure I'm not steering you in the wrong direction here, like I've said in previous posts, I love being a mother and a wife, but at some point I just need to go on and call an ugly baby ugly. Wait, I guess that's not a good saying for a mother to use. What I'm trying to say is there are times when I don't feel like being nice, I just want to be honest and I need to be able to do it with out people hating me afterwards. There was something I was getting at initially but since I started to rant and stray away from my original point, there's just gonna have to be a "part two" later.
gqwpux9y72

Self inflicted quarantine

I know everyone is tired of hearing about the Piggy Flu (or H1N1 as they're affectionately calling it now) but as tired as I am of hearing about it I find my self wasting precious memory space on my TiVo to record every single nugget of info that floats thru the airwaves! It's driving me crazy, literally... I spent all day talking myself out, then in and then out of taking my son to McDonalds for lunch. I reeeaaallly needed to get out of the house but more than that, I really needed for him to get out of the house! It's been days since we've had an outing. As soon as I heard how schools in surrounding counties were closing and that sporting events were being canceled something in my brain clicked and I started behaving like the plague had struck and that my next step was to stock up on vaccines from the black market. But anyway, I decided that I didn't want to risk my son's life by feeding him a chicken McNugget happymeal or allowing him to play in a contaminated play place no matter how bored he was. I called a friend to vent and for some reason she thought I was crazy...okay so maybe it's not that bad and it is indeed safe to leave the house but other than a stomach virus and pregnancy, I've had no other major illnesses so excuse me if I'm a little scared (or extremely paranoid). I just want this all to end so I can put away "psycho mom" and go back to normal.

So antibiotics cure "fat", huh?

Now I know I'm a lil chunky but I also know that I ain't that bad...but I guess my quack of a doctor thinks so. I've been having this really bad heartburn/acid reflux for a few years now but every time I go to the doctor, he just prescribes another type of pill but not before telling me that I'm a hippo and I need to watch what I shove in my mouth. Well maybe not in those exact words but he tells me that I need to go on a diet and "modify" my food intake, but somewhere between his mouth and my ears it kinda jumbles together and sounds alot like HEY FATTY, DID YOU KNOW THAT YOU WERE FAT? HUH FATTY? I guess doctors must be trained to instantly spot the extra calories accumulating on a patients body...anyway, So after a particularly bad bout of heartburn, not being able to eat much of anything for a few days and consequently losing a few pounds, I schedule an appointment. The whole time I'm thinking, if he tells me to watch what I eat this time I'm going to sit on him! Well he didn't, at least not right away. He orders a couple of labs and then he comes back and says:

"We'll have your results in a couple of days but I don't know that there's anything else I can give you. You know sometimes being overweight will do these things."

What?! I'm not even going to get into what I really wanted to say to him, I'll just move on to part two of this whole debacle. Two days pass and I go to my follow up appointment and lo and behold they find evidence of H. Pylori (a bacteria in the stomach that sometimes breaks through the lining and sometimes causes ulcers and hmm...EXTREME HEARTBURN!). So he prescribes me a course of antibiotics and I kid you not, it's only day 4 of 10 and guess what? Yep that's right no heartburn what so ever; gone! When I go in for my follow up I'm gonna mention to him how those antibiotics really worked wonders on my fat...

Reflections of fabulosity

Fabulous. That's what I labeled myself when I was at the height of "the good years". I don't know what made me think that I could be married with children and still be "fabulous" but hey motherhood is on a whole new level now a days right? I couldn't have been more delusional, huh? I had no idea that I was going to be living a completely different life, that my single friends, my BFFs, were going to disappear one by one because my new life is "boring". To make matters worse, I sometimes find my married friends boring because you know... I'm still fabulous. Not anymore I guess.

I don't want to sound superficial, I really do love children but as much as I love kids, once I had a child of my own I do not want to be around a bunch of other peoples kids! No play groups, M.O.P.S. groups, none of that. Is that wrong? I kinda want an escape from what I do everyday all day. I don't want my "me time" to consist of sitting around talking about my child or anyone else's either. The sad part is, I think that's what my old friends think about hanging out with me. When it comes to other mothers I think that makes me sound cold or insensitive, I'm really not, it's just that I used to have so much of a social life and I really miss it. It's like I'm in housewife Limbo or something. Is this something that all stay at home moms go through at some point or another? It's been 3 1/2 years and now I'm REALLY feeling it. On the weekends I'm doing things that I never would have considered fun or exciting, it's still rewarding because it's with my family but it's not my idea of a social life at all. So here I am, drifting away from my "still fabulous" friends but not domesticated enough for some of my new ones. I feel like I've lost my identity...